(This will be a long and whiny post. Feel free to skip it.)
I've been wanting to write this post for a while and I figured what better day than New Year's, a.k.a. the most depressing day of the year. The Museum plan for 2018 is that there is no plan. The only thing I intend to do is continue posting up until the Museum's 10-year anniversary in August, when hopefully I will have come to a decision as to whether to keep going or end this sad endeavor. Both 2017 and 2016 have been a nonstop cycle of Museum-related stress, frustration and rejection. I haven't shared any of these failures because there have been so many and because I don't want to come across as negative, but I can't hold it in any longer. I took all the opportunities that were offered to me and undertook my own efforts to try to improve the Museum in terms of research, visibility and organization as well as trying to make it a physical space or at least get an exhibition, all of which ended with the proverbial door getting slammed in my face.
Social Media
As much as I enjoyed blogging and Instagram, recently they've been killing me. Whether I'm losing sleep over people unfollowing me, or the fact that I've been on Instagram a year and a half and still haven't reached a measly 1,000 followers, or that it takes me 1-2 hours at a minimum to set up and take a photo I consider decent enough to post, it's been less than fun lately. A few weeks back in December all I wanted to do was run a 5 mile race and hit up the Charm City Craft Mafia's annual holiday show. Instead that Saturday was spent taking hundreds of photos for both the blog and Instagram. I never seem to have time for any of my other hobbies anymore. This is especially troubling when I see people with, to be blunt, downright shitty photos having thousands of followers. Ditto for poorly written blogs – I see how many readers they have in Feedly compared to mine (I currently have a whopping 58 readers, down from 59 in early 2017) – and it seems people who can't even spell properly have hundreds of readers. I might pretend that the blog and Instagram are more for me than anyone else, but if I'm being honest, I'm sick of talking to myself. It's disheartening to put so much time and effort into both when I get basically nothing in return. I feel like I'm standing on a table in the middle of a crowded room shouting through a bullhorn and no one hears a damn thing.
Research
I have tried my best to really step up the research on vintage items and make my posts on contemporary items more scholarly and academic. What I discovered is that: 1. Baltimore's public libraries suck; 2. the library at the university where I work doesn't have anything I need; 3. Hopkins' library is good for art history but they want $200 a year for access and they don't have the magazine archives I'm after; 4. The New York Public Library has both Vogue and WWD archives and does allow out-of-state residents to get a library card, but you have to go up there in person to get it and then renew it every 3 months (again, in person). Despite these obstacles I was all excited until I realized that both of these much-needed resources are only accessible from a branch, i.e., even though I hauled my ass up there to get a card, I can't access those from here. And both of those require an exorbitant amount of money to subscribe.
Website/books/exhibitions
Along those lines, I can't upgrade to a proper museum website or publish any of the tons of books I've had rattling around in my head for years, because I am not independently wealthy. A coffee table book wouldn't require much heavy-duty research, but as it's mostly eye candy I'd need to hire a professional photographer. Same with digitizing the Museum's collection. I'd need a pro to take photos and for a professional redesign of the website, it would cost thousands. Yes, I've actually priced it out – I live with a designer who does this for a living, for god's sake. As for my own exhibitions, I have so many ideas that go beyond the very basic themes I normally cover. Forest creatures and rainbows are nice, but not complex like some others I'd love to do if I had access to better resources.
Other Exhibitions and Museums (or, so many fails I had to number them)
1. In March 2016 the director of a major university library contacted me and asked about starting a real cosmetics museum together. She'd handle the business end and I'd do all the curating, and I could do it remotely so I wouldn't have to up and move to the small town she was proposing it would be. She had a lovely old warehouse space picked out and everything, we made tons of plans and I really thought my dream would be a reality. After several months of emailing and phone calls she proposed visiting me in Baltimore so I could, in her words, "make sure she wasn't an axe murderer" (and obviously she needed to size me up too). In June 2016 we had a very nice dinner during which we continued discussing plans. I thought it went well, and then…nothing. Radio silence for 3 months, at which point I followed up and asked if everything was okay. She explained that her old house hadn't sold and she needed that cash to buy the space where we were going to put the museum, but that if anything changed she'd let me know. This was in September 2016. I have not heard hide nor hair from her since. So yeah, being – what's the term the kids use these days? Ghosted? – by this person was truly upsetting, especially since it seemed to have occurred immediately following our in-person meeting. To this day I still wonder what about me in person was so off-putting that she abandoned the project.
2. I emailed Makeup in New York about whether they'd have an exhibition of vintage beauty items, something I've been going to see the past few years. I was told that they would not be having one at their 2017 show, so I gathered my courage and boldly offered to help organize/curate one in the future. This was the response I received.
Am I being too sensitive or was that stone cold? Why wouldn't you at least entertain the notion of someone with nearly a decade of makeup exhibition experience helping to curate one at an expo? I realize the exhibitions I organize are just in my home, but give me a gallery space and I'd hit it out of the park. I'm one of a handful of people on the entire planet who has actively, thoughtfully considered beauty exhibitions and would know what people want to see and how to go about organizing it. You would think they'd be interested in having my help, but no.
3. At least I received a response from them. Esteé Lauder continues to ignore my requests for information about their archives…but they are more than happy to have "social media influencers" have access to them.
4. Finally, there's this exhibition. Normally I'm thrilled to see other makeup exhibitions, but this one has broken me since it's one I genuinely could have helped with. I was asked to lend some objects for it, but that's where my involvement ends, and for that I am crushed. I just can't figure out why, again, someone with nearly a decade of experience planning and executing exhibitions devoted to makeup is brushed off (yes, I offered to assist in any other way besides object-lending capacity and was rejected. They were very polite about it, at least.) I know no one is going to hand me an opportunity to guest curate on a silver platter and that people need to take ownership of their exhibitions – I'd never ask to co-curate because I understand it's THEIR exhibition – but it would have been nice to be asked to do a little consultation on what they were planning. Again, I'm one of the few people on earth who has spent years thinking about how to curate makeup exhibitions. I'm certainly not saying the grad students organizing this are incapable of curating a great makeup exhibition, as some of them work for well-known galleries so I'm sure it'll be good and I'm definitely going to go see it. I'm just saying that my insight might have been as helpful as gallery experience. The other thing that's upsetting is that an exhibition in a physical gallery space is something I've worked so hard to achieve for years, and along comes this one, which was organized in a matter of months. I bet they had no trouble getting cosmetics companies to reply to them about borrowing objects from their archives or accessing other historical resources.
To sum up, I'm just really tired. Tired of spending every spare minute and drop of energy on something no one's interested in, tired of being told no, tired of not being taken seriously. Most of all I'm tired of the "you're responsible for your own destiny/happiness" bullshit because it's simply not true. People don't seem to understand there's a fair amount of luck and connections involved in making dreams a reality. I have been doing everything humanly possible to improve the blog and make the Museum "real" and have been stonewalled every step of the way, while others (some of whom I think are less deserving) are met with nothing but success due to dumb luck or because of who they know. It's just history repeating itself; I was shut out of the museum world and academia at a young age, and I had originally conceived of the Museum/blog as outlets to help me deal with my shattered career dreams. If museums and universities didn't want me then I'd forge my own path and make my own opportunities. Instead it's the same old thing.
Thank you for reading and apologies for being bitter and entitled, but that's just where I am right now and had to get it off my chest. I am grateful for the few of you that continue to support the Museum and I hope 2018 has good things in store for you.
I just found your Instagram through Pat Mcgrath’s and I fell in love with it!! Then I went to your blog and I can’t describe my happiness when seeing photos of the museum. It’s incredible. I’ve been passionate about makeup and makeup collecting for the past 6 years and this museum is something I’ve dreamed of. I’m so sorry about all of the obstacles you’ve faced, but your work is truly incredible and I really think you should continue the museum. Finding it was a great way to start the new year. I hope you get an official space in 2018!
I just found your Instagram through Pat Mcgrath’s and I fell in love with it!! Then I went to your blog and I can’t describe my happiness when seeing photos of the museum. It’s incredible. I’ve been passionate about makeup and makeup collecting for the past 6 years and this museum is something I’ve dreamed of. I’m so sorry about all of the obstacles you’ve faced, but your work is truly incredible and I really think you should continue the museum. Finding it was a great way to start the new year. I hope you get an official space in 2018!
Your post may be entirely rhetorical but am responding because I feel bad for you. As a human hearing another human’s (perhaps momentary) feeling of rejection and failure. I stumbled on your blog several years ago and love the perspective of makeup as art. That voice is truly unique. I appreciate (and also collect) and deeply appreciate the validation that others do the same. That being said, personally I don’t share the interest in an academic thesis on the influence that led up to the creation (sorry). That level of interest is probably only shared by a few of your fellow academicians in the world. I can appreciate makeup as art and just stop there. I suspect you may not have broad readership for that reason alone. I personally will prefer a Lisa Eldridge level of history. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a truly unique and academically valid voice- it’s just that level of curiosity isn’t widely held and maybe never will be. In my opinion, it doesn’t mean you aren’t doing your “job” well, it just means that others don’t care at the same level. I would interpret that as simple difference without the value judgement about your work.
Your post may be entirely rhetorical but am responding because I feel bad for you. As a human hearing another human’s (perhaps momentary) feeling of rejection and failure. I stumbled on your blog several years ago and love the perspective of makeup as art. That voice is truly unique. I appreciate (and also collect) and deeply appreciate the validation that others do the same. That being said, personally I don’t share the interest in an academic thesis on the influence that led up to the creation (sorry). That level of interest is probably only shared by a few of your fellow academicians in the world. I can appreciate makeup as art and just stop there. I suspect you may not have broad readership for that reason alone. I personally will prefer a Lisa Eldridge level of history. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a truly unique and academically valid voice- it’s just that level of curiosity isn’t widely held and maybe never will be. In my opinion, it doesn’t mean you aren’t doing your “job” well, it just means that others don’t care at the same level. I would interpret that as simple difference without the value judgement about your work.
Hi Michelle! Thank you so much for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I’m glad at least someone is enjoying the Museum! Thank you so much again for visiting and commenting!
Hi Michelle! Thank you so much for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. I’m glad at least someone is enjoying the Museum! Thank you so much again for visiting and commenting!
Hi Justine! Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply – very interesting perspective. I keep thinking I need to be more academic but maybe not? In any case I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing for now and continue evaluating whether I want to keep going…on the one hand I’m feeling pretty discouraged, but on the other hand I’m not sure what I’d do without the blog!
Thank you so much for your support and for commenting, it is much appreciated!
Hi Justine! Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply – very interesting perspective. I keep thinking I need to be more academic but maybe not? In any case I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing for now and continue evaluating whether I want to keep going…on the one hand I’m feeling pretty discouraged, but on the other hand I’m not sure what I’d do without the blog!
Thank you so much for your support and for commenting, it is much appreciated!
Hi dear and Happy 2018! Wow, after reading all of this, I’m surprised that u still have the drive to keep going! For what it’s worth, I’ve always appreciated your knowledge and your love for detail, but I agree, numbers and stats rule everything these days, and good content on its own is not gonna get u much further… It’s basically why I disappeared off the face of the earth blogging wise… Perhaps take a break and try to find a balance between what u put into it and what rewards you reap back… Take care# xx
Hi dear and Happy 2018! Wow, after reading all of this, I’m surprised that u still have the drive to keep going! For what it’s worth, I’ve always appreciated your knowledge and your love for detail, but I agree, numbers and stats rule everything these days, and good content on its own is not gonna get u much further… It’s basically why I disappeared off the face of the earth blogging wise… Perhaps take a break and try to find a balance between what u put into it and what rewards you reap back… Take care# xx
(I am a different Justine)
Although not every exhibition has been something that I am interested in, I appreciate your depth and research – I do think that in the quick nature of the beauty blog/influencer sphere the academic background of cosmetics (while fascinating) doesn’t interest everyone – I know the first thing for me is the actual product, and then the packaging – but understandable that for the museum the products are not touched!
I love your Instagram but I hope that you can allow yourself to take a break and do things like the 5 mile race you wanted to do rather than focus on numbers. Your pictures are beautiful and I will always look forward to them, but I want to know you are having fun outside of makeup too!
Best wishes for the new year! I hope you keep up with the blog, however infrequently – it’s one of my favourite reads.
(I am a different Justine)
Although not every exhibition has been something that I am interested in, I appreciate your depth and research – I do think that in the quick nature of the beauty blog/influencer sphere the academic background of cosmetics (while fascinating) doesn’t interest everyone – I know the first thing for me is the actual product, and then the packaging – but understandable that for the museum the products are not touched!
I love your Instagram but I hope that you can allow yourself to take a break and do things like the 5 mile race you wanted to do rather than focus on numbers. Your pictures are beautiful and I will always look forward to them, but I want to know you are having fun outside of makeup too!
Best wishes for the new year! I hope you keep up with the blog, however infrequently – it’s one of my favourite reads.
Hi Tina! Thank you so much for reading my tale of woe and taking the time to comment. I agree that a break is in order…I plan on slogging through a few more holiday releases and then taking a couple weeks off in late January/early February and see how I feel.
Thank you again for your support, I really appreciate it!!
Hi Tina! Thank you so much for reading my tale of woe and taking the time to comment. I agree that a break is in order…I plan on slogging through a few more holiday releases and then taking a couple weeks off in late January/early February and see how I feel.
Thank you again for your support, I really appreciate it!!
Hi (different) Justine! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, and also for the kind words! It’s comments like these that help me keep going because it shows me that while I don’t have a wide appeal and museums/galleries aren’t interested, at least a few people are!
Thank you again for all your support, it is much appreciated!!
Hi (different) Justine! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, and also for the kind words! It’s comments like these that help me keep going because it shows me that while I don’t have a wide appeal and museums/galleries aren’t interested, at least a few people are!
Thank you again for all your support, it is much appreciated!!
You have every reason to be upset and bitter. All that you feel is how I felt when I was blogging. I felt like a chump by some brands and PR. Let’s face it when the brand or PR firm just ignores you & decides to pay attention to someone who is ditzy and less knowledgeable than you, that reveals a lot!!!
I can tell you, if you quit, you do discover more things about yourself and do have more time to build your own beauty\intelligence based on your soulful self and not some illusion of products or brands.
Yes, you are feeling jealousy and nothing is wrong with that because it just goes to show beauty or true beauty has nothing to do with products, brands,or an image; it has to do with how beauty will evolve YOU!!!
Do what you have to do but remember brands are looking for the young cheerleaders not intelligence.
You have every reason to be upset and bitter. All that you feel is how I felt when I was blogging. I felt like a chump by some brands and PR. Let’s face it when the brand or PR firm just ignores you & decides to pay attention to someone who is ditzy and less knowledgeable than you, that reveals a lot!!!
I can tell you, if you quit, you do discover more things about yourself and do have more time to build your own beauty\intelligence based on your soulful self and not some illusion of products or brands.
Yes, you are feeling jealousy and nothing is wrong with that because it just goes to show beauty or true beauty has nothing to do with products, brands,or an image; it has to do with how beauty will evolve YOU!!!
Do what you have to do but remember brands are looking for the young cheerleaders not intelligence.
Hi Olivia! I know, I remember I was sad that these brands would jerk you around and essentially caused you to stop blogging – you had one of the most informative and well-written ones out there (I still miss it!). In my case I can almost understand why they’d ignore me since I’m not a typical beauty blogger (no reviews, swatches and such), but it’s not just brands, it’s like, basically every other person/organization. I wouldn’t be as upset if brands ignored me if, say, a museum or gallery or historian would pay attention, but I get nothing from anyone. It’s just rejection or being ignored on all fronts. Having said that, I’m not sure what I’d do without the blog so I’m going to keep doing these half-assed, not very well-researched posts for now, but still think about whether it’s something I want to continue.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for the encouragement, I appreciate it!!
Hi Olivia! I know, I remember I was sad that these brands would jerk you around and essentially caused you to stop blogging – you had one of the most informative and well-written ones out there (I still miss it!). In my case I can almost understand why they’d ignore me since I’m not a typical beauty blogger (no reviews, swatches and such), but it’s not just brands, it’s like, basically every other person/organization. I wouldn’t be as upset if brands ignored me if, say, a museum or gallery or historian would pay attention, but I get nothing from anyone. It’s just rejection or being ignored on all fronts. Having said that, I’m not sure what I’d do without the blog so I’m going to keep doing these half-assed, not very well-researched posts for now, but still think about whether it’s something I want to continue.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for the encouragement, I appreciate it!!
I love what you do, and completely understand how you feel. It’s all about numbers + stats these days because the PR folks have to have something to show for what they do.
This doesn’t depreciate what you’ve so lovingly created, though it can be discouraging. If anything, your thoughtfully-written and well-researched beauty archives stand out in the sea of vapidity.
I’m sorry that your work has not (yet!) been given the opportunity of an exhibition. I look forward to the day when you tell us it’s happening. 🙂
If I lived in your city, I would most certainly make my way to view, and luxuriate in the intriguing world of beauty history that you’ve so deftly and passionately curated.
I suppose what I mean to say is…your unique voice matters to me, even if it seems like no one’s reading/listening. <3
I wish you all the very best. Please come back refreshed, after you’ve done what you intended to do outside of this admirable endeavour!
I love what you do, and completely understand how you feel. It’s all about numbers + stats these days because the PR folks have to have something to show for what they do.
This doesn’t depreciate what you’ve so lovingly created, though it can be discouraging. If anything, your thoughtfully-written and well-researched beauty archives stand out in the sea of vapidity.
I’m sorry that your work has not (yet!) been given the opportunity of an exhibition. I look forward to the day when you tell us it’s happening. 🙂
If I lived in your city, I would most certainly make my way to view, and luxuriate in the intriguing world of beauty history that you’ve so deftly and passionately curated.
I suppose what I mean to say is…your unique voice matters to me, even if it seems like no one’s reading/listening. <3
I wish you all the very best. Please come back refreshed, after you’ve done what you intended to do outside of this admirable endeavour!
Hi Mag! Thank you so much for the kind words, they are much appreciated! I don’t think my posts are well-researched but it’s about all I can do with the resources I have, and I’m so glad you enjoy reading my posts nonetheless. Thank you again for always being supportive of the Museum, it means a lot!!
Hi Mag! Thank you so much for the kind words, they are much appreciated! I don’t think my posts are well-researched but it’s about all I can do with the resources I have, and I’m so glad you enjoy reading my posts nonetheless. Thank you again for always being supportive of the Museum, it means a lot!!
Hillary, I can feel the passion and dedication you’ve put into researching and spotlighting truly artful makeup products and am glad this information is preserved on your blog. I discovered the Makeup Museum years ago and was immediately captivated. It’s easy to get preoccupied with the numbers game (boooo, Instagram), but it helps to focus on the inherent value and joy in what you’re doing. Regardless of whether your museum becomes a physical public space (and honestly it doesn’t have to be—you’ve reached a lot of eyes just through the web), your posts add joy to my day so I selfishly hope you’ll continue sharing your knowledge and new discoveries. -Angela
Hillary, I can feel the passion and dedication you’ve put into researching and spotlighting truly artful makeup products and am glad this information is preserved on your blog. I discovered the Makeup Museum years ago and was immediately captivated. It’s easy to get preoccupied with the numbers game (boooo, Instagram), but it helps to focus on the inherent value and joy in what you’re doing. Regardless of whether your museum becomes a physical public space (and honestly it doesn’t have to be—you’ve reached a lot of eyes just through the web), your posts add joy to my day so I selfishly hope you’ll continue sharing your knowledge and new discoveries. -Angela
I discovered your blog only last year. I think I was googling images of a compact at the time and in the connected way the internet works, landed on your site 🙂 I am saddened to hear, but can understand completely. I genuinely enjoy the historical, developmental and archival aspects- that’s what kept me scrolling through your pages. I think planning a coffee table book (despite the reservations you mentioned in the blog post) is a brilliant idea. You even have a designer husband, which helps! For years I’ve been sporadically writing and designing a Polish cookbook, largely for my own interest- it’s my outlet from my daily graphic design work in the corporate world. It’s not a typical book, I’m not certain who would even read it but I genuinely enjoy developing it. When I self-publish it (who knows when haha) I know it will truly reflect all of my design quirks and interests. I’ve also discovered so many wonderful advertisements and packaging designs from your blog; it’s been a joy to read. If you continue I’ll still be reading 🙂
I discovered your blog only last year. I think I was googling images of a compact at the time and in the connected way the internet works, landed on your site 🙂 I am saddened to hear, but can understand completely. I genuinely enjoy the historical, developmental and archival aspects- that’s what kept me scrolling through your pages. I think planning a coffee table book (despite the reservations you mentioned in the blog post) is a brilliant idea. You even have a designer husband, which helps! For years I’ve been sporadically writing and designing a Polish cookbook, largely for my own interest- it’s my outlet from my daily graphic design work in the corporate world. It’s not a typical book, I’m not certain who would even read it but I genuinely enjoy developing it. When I self-publish it (who knows when haha) I know it will truly reflect all of my design quirks and interests. I’ve also discovered so many wonderful advertisements and packaging designs from your blog; it’s been a joy to read. If you continue I’ll still be reading 🙂
Hi Angela, thank you so much for your comments here and on in Instagram. I so appreciate the kind words and I’m glad you still enjoy the Museum (even though I think I could improve the research and the exhibitions would be better served in a real space!) I so love your blog/IG as well and am flattered that people as smart and funny as you and your partner-in-crime find the Museum interesting. 🙂
Thank you so much again!!
Hi Angela, thank you so much for your comments here and on in Instagram. I so appreciate the kind words and I’m glad you still enjoy the Museum (even though I think I could improve the research and the exhibitions would be better served in a real space!) I so love your blog/IG as well and am flattered that people as smart and funny as you and your partner-in-crime find the Museum interesting. 🙂
Thank you so much again!!
Hi Kat! Thank you for the encouragement and the compliments, I’m so glad you enjoy the Museum. Your book sounds really cool, I hope you’re able to publish it eventually! If you figure out a way to afford photography for a makeup coffee table book without resorting to crowdfunding definitely let me know, haha! Seriously though, thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. 🙂
Hi Kat! Thank you for the encouragement and the compliments, I’m so glad you enjoy the Museum. Your book sounds really cool, I hope you’re able to publish it eventually! If you figure out a way to afford photography for a makeup coffee table book without resorting to crowdfunding definitely let me know, haha! Seriously though, thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. 🙂